Changes

I remember how hard it was when I discovered I was pregnant and experienced so many changes that I wasn’t expecting. When I gave birth, then took my baby home and had to look after her on my own for the first time; I was scared I’d get it wrong and terrified I we wouldn’t bond. When I had to bring her up on my own, I was so worried that I was a bad mother and she would grow up to hate me.

I was wrong – I got some things right. My daughter grew up to be a wonderful, confident young woman who now has a child of her own. And my role has changed as a grandmother: I have to take a back seat, not interfere and be ready to step in when I’m asked.

the ducklings have grown
pairing up when the leaves fall
new generation

Kim M. Russell, 29th October 2018

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My response to dVerse Poets Pub Haibun Monday: Transitions

Merril is guest pub-tending at the dVerse Poets Pub today and she says that this time of year seems full of transitions: setting the clocks back an hour (which we’ve already done here in the UK); drifting further into autumn with longer periods of darkness; and the leaves falling now.  She reminds us that, in other parts of the world, it’s moving towards summer, or perhaps a rainy or dry season.  She has shared examples of different types of change in a range of songs and poems.

For this Haibun Monday, Merril wants us to write about change – specifically about a transitional time in our lives. It could be something profound—a near death experience, for example. It could be about starting or leaving a job, getting married, or having a baby. It could be how we feel when the seasons change. It could even be about how we helped someone else through a transitional time. How we define transition is up to us.

47 thoughts on “Changes”

    1. It’s a relief to take a back seat but it’s never over. A lovely lady I know quite well recently lost her daughter in a car crash. Her daughter was in her late twenties. Being a mother never ends.

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  3. Oh gosh–I remember feeling those changes, too, when I first got pregnant–my breasts sore, my skin broken out, and feeling so sick!. Then it fades with the wonder of feeling kicks, but I would wonder about anyone who didn’t have some trepidation about raising a child. And Sarah’s right, guilt, too. A lovely memory–and I love your haiku!

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    1. Thank you, Merril! Unlike me, my daughter took to motherhood like a duck to water – she’s a natural. And she is so lucky to have a loving and supportive husband, who takes away so much of the pressure.

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    1. Ellen is doing so much better than I did! I think that’s probably because her husband is completely involved in everything and takes really good care of her and Lucas. I’m so looking forward to spending time with them in a few weeks.

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  6. Loving this write, Kim. Serendipity, I am currently reading Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott — a favorite author of mine. She tells of her deciding to keep her baby, as a single woman – the father disappeared when the pregancy was announced. She writes with humor and grace of her pregnancy, the first days….I’m up to when the baby was 15 months old and I’ve smiled and chuckled so many times. I think you might enjoy reading it. 🙂
    And oh yes…..the watching your child as a parent is wonderful…and challenging sometimes too to simply watch! 🙂

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    1. Thank you, Lill! I’ve made a note of Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott — I hope they have it in the library – if not they’ll order it in for me. Ellen was never one for oohing and aahing over babies when she was younger so I’m delighted that she’s taken to motherhood like a duck to water. 🙂

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  7. Even though I’m only a stepfather, I raised all three of my stepdaughters, and now we have 8 grandchildren. My sweet wife is adoring her Gramm duties. I watched the changes that pregnacy brings with all three of them; thanks for sharing.

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  8. Your haibun radiates the state of contentment when we forgive outselves for what we might have done better and accept the fact that we did the best we could with what we knew how at the time. I, too, have two children who survived my parenting and turned out amazingly well!! Well written, Kim.

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  11. Kim, I had the same thoughts and doubts too when I was pregnant with my 3 children. Now, I am enjoying my role as a grandmother – keeping a tactful distance and ready to help when needed. Love that we are now grandmas – first time too.

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    1. Back in the day, we didn’t talk about our doubts and fears about motherhood and were expected to get on with it. I shared this with my daughter while she was still pregnant and suggested she joined as many ante-natal and post -natal groups as possible – now she has a network of friends who had their babies around the same time and they talk about everything, which is healthy and supportive. She’s a happy mum!

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  20. A lovely piece and I think we all worry as mothers and we all go through times where we worry that we may have been bad mothers. I think you always write with compassion depth and beauty and now you get to give it all again as a grandmother- what joy. XXXXX

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