When you lose someone,
the world warps:
a comma butterfly (settling
on a nettle) distorts –
flicks open wings to burnish,
only to crisp in the sun.
When you lose someone,
summer colours tarnish;
tastes and smells curdle
like mouldy blackberries
on a parched tongue,
and all the while you long
to hear their voice, comforting
like drowsy bees on a sunny afternoon…
Kim M. Russell, 2nd July 2018
My response to dVerse Poets Pub Meeting the Bar: Punctuation and enjambment in poetry also linked to Poets United Poetry Pantry
Björn is our host this week and he would like us to focus on punctuation in our poetry. He says that it took him many years and a course in creative writing to appreciate the importance of punctuation but he has grown to love the fact that it gives the reader a clear guideline not only to meaning but also to rhythm and intonation.
Björn has given an in-depth explanation of how we can use punctuation and enjambment in poetry; I agree with him that punctuation adds another dimension to line-breaks and enjambment. He also tells us that one of his favourite punctuation marks is the em-dash. Emily Dickinson liked to use the em-dash and he has given as an example her poem ‘I heard a Fly Buzz’. His other favourite is the ellipsis.
For the challenge today Björn wants us to use punctuation but we don’t have to use every single punctuation mark. He suggests reading our poems aloud to hear how punctuation changes the way we read it. For this prompt we can either punctuate an existing poem or write something entirely new.
This poem is for the seven year anniversary of my dad’s death on 6th August.
I love how you did this… the em-dash and the ellipsis in particular. The chosen subject fits the pauses so well.
The second stanza and how the colors change when you lose someone seems so real… loved that part.
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Thank you so much, Bjorn. I really value your comments. I just wish the editors of anthologies and judges of the competitions to which I have submitted poems were so appreciative!
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Kim, I agree with you, and with Björn. I’m getting rejection after rejection. 😦
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Kim, this is so beautiful. I so admire your writing. Thanks for being such a great teacher. I know losing a parent is difficult. It never fades with time, does it?
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Thank you so much, Linda. You’re right about the pain not fading. Just when I thought he had recovered from a coma, he went and fell down the stairs, and my mother, who had already been diagnosed with dementia, found him. It was a difficult time all round and it led to me retiring from teaching because of stress and illness. Now they are both gone and I miss calling them every day.
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Love and light to you!
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That is so sad, Kim. I’m sorry.
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Thank you, Merril.
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Many of us have been orphaned by life–and pain stays in our cells like herpes, re-emerging with its own agenda. I liked this piece a lot; its power trumped the punctuation.
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Thank you, Glenn.
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This is beautiful and I agree with Glenn — the power of the piece trumps the punctuation.
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Thank you, Jo.
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The grieving is never done completely. Love the photo and personal tribute to your dad Kim.
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Thank you, Grace.
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Nice description of the voice at the end “like drowsy bees on a sunny afternoon…” The ellipses helps make it seem drowsy.
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Thank you, Frank. I was hoping also to evoke the elusiveness of the memory of a loved one’s voice with the ellipsis.
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Nicely done Kim. It is very hard to lose a parent. Your punctuation worked very well.
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Thank you, Dwight.
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There is so much punctuation in life and death. We often miss it.
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Thank you, Mary.
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ThE longing and the yearning is creatively told. Sigh. Hugs.
Love these lines:
a comma butterfly (settling
on a nettle) distorts –
flicks open wings to burnish,
only to crisp in the sun.
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Thank you for your kind words and hugs.
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Ah, Kim, I’m sorry for your troubles – I can’t think of a better way of putting it than that. There’s real grief in this poem. I think you use great skill here – I hardly noticed the variety of punctuation because it just did exactly what it needed to do. It let me get on with reading the poem. I did like the little touch of the comma butterfly.
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Thank you so much, Sarah. Writing poetry is the only way I can get it out of my system. Ellen planned her weekend visit just right as she will be still be here on Monday morning when the anniversary will hit hardest and I will have little Lucas to keep me balanced.
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That’s good. I hope it goes OK.
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And it’s amazing how much we process when we write. I think some really deep work gets done, down there in the subconscious.
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It does!
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Wonderfully done! Indeed punctuation tools can do wonders to the poem.
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Thank you, Vandana!
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This is a beautiful acknowledgment of grief’s hold.
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Thank you.
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I love the poignancy and honesy of your poem, Kim. The punctuation accentuated this for me. I, too, still mourn the loss of my Dad: the seventh anniversary of his death arrives this December.
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Thank you, Frank. Seven years too.
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Indeed, Kim. Be well!
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You too, Frank!
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This is a beautiful, bittersweet poem. The punctuation seems very natural, like breaths or pauses while one thinks.
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Thank you so much, Merril. 💙
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I was fascinated by every aspect of this poem. Well done.
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Thank you, Misky.
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This is well written! I have felt this warp (as we all have,) it’s very descriptive, Kim.
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Thank you, Bekkie.
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I love the photo and poetic tribute, Kim. You describe grief with depth.
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Thank you, Lynn.
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Yes losing people we have grown accustomed to does warp our notion of reality.
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A beautiful, personal elegy.
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Thank you, Charley!
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You are welcome!
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Deeply felt words Kim.
And Happy to hear you have such wonderful guests
much love…
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Thank you, Gillena.
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Grief is most pronounced in the longing for those drowsy bees of summer. Heartbreaking. A beautiful poem Kim.
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Thank you, Sumana.
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I am so sorry for your loss, Kim 😥 this is a beautiful and evocative poem.
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Thank you, Sanaa.
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Oh yes, Their voice, their handwriting, their animated warm body.
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Perfectly punctuated. And so much more than that: poignant and beautiful. The voice, I find, is one of the hardest things to recapture in memory – and to come across an old recording of one who had passed was startling and painful, part of the living person much more than a photo.
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Thank you, Rosemary.
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Such sad words, yet expressed in a really beautiful way…I loved this.
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Thank you, Sherri.
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Yes. Lose steals colors and light and mirth and so many other things… for a while. Some of the things never come back as they used to be. They seem to change to fit our newly ripped hearts. Life pauses in unusual ways that make complete sense to our situation. We find ourselves adding periods to events we were once sure would last forever. Yes. Oh, yes.
I really love what you did here… feel it all the way to my bones.
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Thank you, Magaly.
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You write so beautifully of losing someone dear in summer. I especially note the taste of moldy blackberries on the tongue.
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Thank you, Sherry.
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Your words are true, when you lose someone, it can be no other way.
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Thank you, Annell.
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when you lose someone…yes i completely understand this poem.
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Thank you, Jim. for reading and commenting.
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Because of your punctuation, stanza two is the swiftest–not letting those sour berries sit on the tongue too long! may grief be in moderation as we celebrate those we have lost. Beautiful poem.
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Thank you kindly, Susan.
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Much love to you KIm. I think the poem is a beautiful tribute and an apt portrayal of loss. I still long to hear mum’s voice. XXXX
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Thank you, Alison, and much love to you. xxxx
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So true! I really like the way you expressed this. Indeed the world DOES warp when you lose someone close to you! I liked the picture of your parents….so very happy!
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Than kyou, Mary!
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Having been through that experience I so agree, you are no longer the same person with a part of you gone and you struggle to make up the whole being again but the longing for them never fades.
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Thanks Robin.
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A lovely and poignant piece that, I think, so many would find emotive and heartrending ~ I know I did ~ Your decision to close with an ellipsis is powerful … haunting, even, as it speaks to a sadness that has no final end.
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Thank you, Wendy, for your close reading. I think the ellipsis is often over-used or incorrectly used, and is mostly associated with a cliffhanger. I use it sparingly in poetry and see it as a subtle hint rather than a link to something else.
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Beautiful, sad images, Kim. I loved this.
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Thank you so much, Sarah.
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Lovingly crafted, Kim. When one writes about grief, the words can easily descend into self-pity, but that is not the case here. I like how you end the poem with an ellipsis, like the loved one is still very much in the heart.
I am very poor and careless with punctuation in my writings, partly because i wanted to experiment writing without punctuation. Perhaps I have to rethink that. 🙂
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Than you! I find that punctuation depends very much on the poem. I sometimes write without punctuation if the idea or theme is abstract and has no obvious boundaries, especially when I don’t use capital letters; when I write sonnets or other structured forms, I find that punctuation finds its way in anyway. And then there are the in-between poems…
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So beautifully written. The feeling of longing and use of synesthesia in this poem is phenomenal. Makes me think of a verse in the Bible. “And he will wipe out every tear from their eye, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)
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Thank you, Chelle.
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