Having published a page with a new short story that is only half finished, I hoped that I might receive some feedback on it. I’m not completely happy with the title ‘A Soul Released in Coltishall’ but I do know the direction I want the story to take. My husband read it yesterday and commented on a few things.
He wasn’t sure about the metaphor in the first sentence, ‘The day had been hot and scented with August dust,’ whereas I feel that it expresses the smell I associate with a hot August day. I would be interested in your opinions.
He also suggested the word ‘diminish’ doesn’t quite sit right in the phrase ‘and watched his rangy figure diminish until he disappeared into the pub’ – does it sound as if the husband is reduced in her eyes emotionally rather than physically? I have thought about other words to describe this: shrank, grew smaller – any ideas?
Another word he queried was ‘sexless’ to describe the anonymous silhouette in the canoe; I feel that anonymous certainly expresses unknown, but sexless means that you can’t tell whether it’s a man or a woman. What do you think?
Finally he thought that ‘lopsided gait’ made the husband’s movement sound strange.
All suggestions are appreciated.