Calling fellow wordsmiths

Having published a page with a new short story that is only half finished, I hoped that I might receive some feedback on it. I’m not completely happy with the title ‘A Soul Released in Coltishall’ but I do know the direction I want the story to take. My husband read it yesterday and commented on a few things.

He wasn’t sure about the metaphor in the first sentence, ‘The day had been hot and scented with August dust,’ whereas I feel that it expresses the smell I associate with a hot August day. I would be interested in your opinions.

He also suggested the word ‘diminish’ doesn’t quite sit right in the phrase ‘and watched his rangy figure diminish until he disappeared into the pub’ – does it sound as if the husband is reduced in her eyes emotionally rather than physically? I have thought about other words to describe this: shrank, grew smaller – any ideas?

Another word he queried was ‘sexless’ to describe the anonymous silhouette in the canoe; I feel that anonymous certainly expresses unknown, but sexless means that you can’t tell whether it’s a man or a woman. What do you think?

Finally he thought that ‘lopsided gait’ made the husband’s movement sound strange.

All suggestions are appreciated.

2 thoughts on “Calling fellow wordsmiths

  1. “Lopsided gait” and “sexless” both seem to work in my opinion. I like the “August dust”–felt like I knew exactly what you meant. Not sure how I feel about “diminish” though—feels like there’s a better word for that scenario but not one that pops into my mind at the moment. Hope that helps!! Good luck!!

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    1. Thank you so much for your comments. You are the only wordsmith so far to give me any feedback on this and I really appreciate it. While it is always reassuring to see that people read blogs and pages, and occasionally like them, comments are so valuable. I’ll be following you too and aim to give as much feedback as possible.

      Liked by 1 person

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