Once in a Blue Moon (reprise)

My response to dVerse Poets Pub Meeting the Bar: Let’s Kick It Up a Notch

This evening, Victoria is our host and has asked us to search our archives, choose a poem and add a little spice to it through the use of sensory description, replacing metaphor, or tightening up the word count. I have reworked a poem I posted a year ago:

Cushioned in an August night,

A blue moon’s pearly wash of light

Drowned all but the brightest stars.

 

Moonshine formed iridescent pearls,

Spilt like champagne in gushing swirls

On waves of oceans, lakes and rivers.

 

In mountains and forests, her lunatic fingers

Sculpted shadows, exciting moon singers,

Making wolves howl with her secret smile.

 

In the morning, she faked her death,

To allow the sun to take a breath.

 

© Kim M. Russell, 2016

This was the original:

 

Cushioned in the hand of night

The blue moon drowned out

All but the brightest stars

Bounced off broken glass in the roadside

Formed pearls in the water of lakes

Gushed like spilt champagne

Across the waves of oceans

Sculptured shadows in woods and forests

Made wolves howl

With her secret smile

Died in the early morning

To allow the sun to breathe

 

© Kim M. Russell, 2015

 

 

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19 thoughts on “Once in a Blue Moon (reprise)

    1. Yes, I was concerned that I might have gone a bit mad on the imagery. I’ll have a go at paring it down. Thanks for reading and commenting, Rosemary. Have a great weekend!

      Like

  1. I do enjoy Japanese brevity, but not usually a fan of “shorter is better”–but I do prefer the revision, it is rendered down to its essence; much stronger poetics.

    Liked by 1 person

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