My response to dVerse Poets Pub Meeting the Bar: Let’s Kick It Up a Notch
This evening, Victoria is our host and has asked us to search our archives, choose a poem and add a little spice to it through the use of sensory description, replacing metaphor, or tightening up the word count. I have reworked a poem I posted a year ago:
Cushioned in an August night,
A blue moon’s pearly wash of light
Drowned all but the brightest stars.
Moonshine formed iridescent pearls,
Spilt like champagne in gushing swirls
On waves of oceans, lakes and rivers.
In mountains and forests, her lunatic fingers
Sculpted shadows, exciting moon singers,
Making wolves howl with her secret smile.
In the morning, she faked her death,
To allow the sun to take a breath.
© Kim M. Russell, 2016
This was the original:
Cushioned in the hand of night
The blue moon drowned out
All but the brightest stars
Bounced off broken glass in the roadside
Formed pearls in the water of lakes
Gushed like spilt champagne
Across the waves of oceans
Sculptured shadows in woods and forests
Made wolves howl
With her secret smile
Died in the early morning
To allow the sun to breathe
© Kim M. Russell, 2015
writing in north norfolk 
With her secret smile
Died in the early morning
To allow the sun to breathe
I bet she’s got something up sleeve…..
Happy Daze 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
The additions/revisions add so much to the original, Kim. You have honed some wonderful line here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Walter.
LikeLike
Your revised poem is a perfect example of livening up with sensory detail. The first poem was good in its own right but the second seems so much richer to me without overdoing it. Thanks for being a part of the prompt, Kim
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Victoria. I enjoyed it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
The first poem was excellence but this one zings! The description and images added so much to this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Toni. I like ‘zings’!
LikeLike
Yes, the revised one is lush with details like:
Moonshine formed iridescent pearls,
Spilt like champagne in gushing swirls
Good one Kim!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Grace 🙂
LikeLike
Really love these lines:
In the morning, she faked her death,
To allow the sun to take a breath.
The added sensory detail is perfect. Great job, Kim!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Victoria!
LikeLike
I think they’re both very good. I like the original a little better; the second seems a bit too ‘decorated’ for my taste.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, I was concerned that I might have gone a bit mad on the imagery. I’ll have a go at paring it down. Thanks for reading and commenting, Rosemary. Have a great weekend!
LikeLike
Loved the revision Kim ❤️ especially the lines “Moonshine formed iridescent pearls, split like champagne in gushing swirls, on waves of oceans, lakes and rivers.” took my breath away ❤️
Lots of love,
Sanaa
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Sanaa. Lots of love xx and wishes for a wonderful weekend.
LikeLike
the second version is more than beautiful…”In the morning, she faked her death,” my favorite line…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Sumana. Have a lovely weekend!
LikeLike
I do enjoy Japanese brevity, but not usually a fan of “shorter is better”–but I do prefer the revision, it is rendered down to its essence; much stronger poetics.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I loved the moon faking death!
LikeLiked by 1 person
2012 On the Night of the Blue Moon We gathered around My Father’s Ashes We all took a handful an spread them on the Land he fought so hard to own, he said Shawna I found myself back their an that is were I want to be…15 Pit Bulls, 450 Roosters, 9 Sheep, & Forever Max Bizieff…R+P Pop’s
Your Infamous S.Bizieff
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the read and comment Shawna. My Dad died in 2011. Sadly, there was no blue moon and the clouds covered last night’s one.
LikeLike